How We Get In Our Own Way

In this episode Katie gets refreshingly honest about procrastination, avoidance and the patterns that keep us from our goals. Through real stories from her own life and client experiences, she explores why the fastest path between where you are and where you want to be is a straight line and why we keep going around it. You'll walk away with a simple journaling practice and a powerful reframe for those moments when fear feels impossible to move through.

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Credit: Tom Giovingo, Intro & Outro, Random Voice Guy, Professional ‘Cat‘ Herder

Mixed & Managed: JohnRavenscraft.com

Disclaimer: Katie is not a medical professional and she is not qualified to diagnose any conditions. The advice and information she gives is based on her own experience and research. It does not take the place of medical advice. Always consult a medical professional first before you try anything new.

Transcript

(0:00) Hello again, and welcome back. I'm so glad to have you here with me. (0:05) So today we're going to talk about how we get in our own way.And I don't know about you, (0:11) but I am the queen of doing this. Maybe you're the queen or the king yourself, (0:16) but I am so good at getting in my own way. And here's the thing, that is a part of being human.(0:24) We are so complex. And when so much of what is happening within us is happening beneath the (0:30) surface of the water, beneath the surface of the awareness, it makes sense how we get in our way (0:36) so much into the level that we do. And so we're going to talk about some of the places where (0:43) I've seen this coming up and some really funny stories, both from my own life and from clients' (0:48) lives.And again, I am fiercely protective of my clients. Anybody that I'm sharing, (0:54) it is completely anonymous. If someone's identity is revealed, it is always with full permission (1:00) and clients know that I am going to be sharing stories that are relevant to other people (1:06) completely and fiercely protecting their identity so that they stay anonymous.(1:11) So none of the names that I'm going to give you are their actual names. (1:16) So as business owners, one of the things that we are really, really good at doing is being busy. (1:25) And being busy is a really great way to procrastinate and not do the most important (1:30) thing, but still feel like we're getting stuff done, but we're actually not getting done the (1:35) things that we want to get done the most.And as I sat down to create these episodes, (1:42) I totally went through that myself. My brain was trying to tell me all these other things (1:47) that were important to do. And I just looked at my computer.I'm like, and the most important thing (1:52) for me today is to create this podcast for you. And so I want to give you something else to think (2:00) about. And it is, is that the fastest path between point A, where you are now in point B, where you (2:08) is a straight line.When we're getting in our way, we are not on that straight line. (2:15) We are going around it. The only way to get past something is to go through it.(2:24) And that means feeling the things that are there, acknowledging the sensations, (2:28) the activation of the body as they come up and going through it. There is no way to circumvent (2:35) and get around whatever's coming up in you. Believe me, I tried for over 40 years.That's (2:41) actually what led to my eventual disability was my inability to be able to go through something. (2:48) And this was due to severe stress that came out of early childhood trauma. And I go into (2:55) that in much more detail in my book, but it taught me very, very clearly the only way out is through.(3:06) And the fastest path out is a straight line. And even knowing that I still have to convince myself (3:13) to be on the straight line. Sometimes tell me if that resonates with you.I would love to know, (3:17) like if you're nodding your head, like, yeah, yeah, I do that too. And it's so funny. The things (3:24) that will pull up, like as I was sitting here, I'm like, Oh, I need to catch up with so-and-so.(3:28) I want to email this person. I want to talk to that person. I want to check in with this person.(3:32) Maybe I need to go walk my dog. Maybe I need to go do this. Maybe I need to go do that.(3:36) Nope. I'm actually sitting here in my pajama, jam and jams. (3:40) And I am recording these episodes because this is the most important thing for me to do today.(3:48) So I want to tell you a couple of stories of how we get in our own way and how we can wind up being (3:54) stuck with certain patterns still running. So my client, we're going to call her Tammy. (4:01) And she had come to me because she was having a lot of difficulties enjoying (4:07) certain parts of her marriage.And it was really the sex within her marriage. I want to be really (4:13) honest with you. And I also want to protect her identity and I'm going to be protecting a lot of (4:18) details around this, but suffice it to say the pattern that had happened was that if she felt (4:27) desire, it was going to mean high amounts of physical pain.And she's been medically checked (4:34) out. There's no medical reasons for the pain. There have been initially, but those have been (4:37) worked through.And when she's tried to go to medical professionals, they told her there's no (4:41) reason for the pain. And they suggest things like, maybe you don't love your husband. Maybe you're (4:46) not attracted to him.Things that just piss her the hell off. She absolutely adores her husband. (4:50) He absolutely adores her.They have one of those marriages that people are like, wow, (4:56) they just, they're in awe of it. And I know what she's talking about. And I've actually, (5:00) I've met both of them and she does have an accurate read of her marriage.Like it is, (5:06) you see those couples sometimes. And let me know if you know of any yourself. I can, (5:11) I can think of a few couples that they are just so in love that when you see them, (5:17) you cannot help but smile because it's such an authentic feeling and you can feel the love (5:24) between them.You can feel the acceptance that they have between them. You can feel the trust (5:29) that they have between them. And it is so beautiful to witness.And she has one of those, (5:36) but due to the way that they started to get together and get intimate, there was actually (5:41) massive amounts of pain that she had gone through. And so when we are working a session, (5:47) a couple of weeks ago to continue to help her through this, a couple of things came up. (5:52) One was that she realized for the first time that she had actually made more progress than she had.(5:59) And she's like, Oh my gosh, Katie, I just realized this doesn't hurt as much as it used to. (6:06) It's nowhere near as painful as it was when I first started coming to you. (6:10) Like, how did I not see that? And like, that's, again, it's a part of being human.(6:17) And part of this is because the brain is going to notice the presence of something much quicker (6:22) than the absence of something. When I first stopped limping, I wasn't actually the one that (6:28) noticed it. And I had been limping for over a year.It was the housemaid I had at the time. (6:32) She's like, Hey, you're not limping. I'm like, Holy shit, I'm not limping.When did that happen? (6:37) And how in the world did I not notice it? And the same thing when the back pain that I had had (6:42) for over 20 years, you would think I would have been so aware of that the day that I realized (6:49) there was no back pain. Nope. I was just walking around one day, middle of the day.And I'm like, (6:54) Hey, wait a second. My back doesn't hurt anymore. What the hell did that happen? (6:59) And I still can't pinpoint it in time.We are so used to these patterns. We don't notice sometimes (7:07) when they shift. And so when I'm working with clients, the first thing I have them do before (7:12) they start to dive into any work is they capture their baseline state before we dive in.Because it (7:17) is absolutely remarkable and often really comical how much we forget and how much we don't credit (7:25) ourselves for what we've done. And we aren't taught so much of this. And I want to put it out (7:33) there and you're going to hear me say it again and again.None of this is your fault. We aren't taught (7:38) a lot of these things. We aren't taught to go to others for support.We're taught to do it on our (7:45) own. And a lot of times in school with team projects, it tends to be miserable because there's always (7:50) someone who doesn't want to do it. There's someone who's bitching the whole time and then someone (7:53) else winds up taking the reins and running with it.And so those tend to not be the best experiences. (7:59) But when you have the right support, completely, completely different, they can make your life (8:05) easier. But we aren't taught to seek that ease.We're taught that we have to work hard in order (8:13) to earn money. We're taught that we need to go it alone. And so we have to unlearn a lot of these (8:18) lessons.And that's part of what I want to do in these episodes with you. And now I also want to (8:26) share where procrastination was coming up for me this weekend. So I really wanted to do some deeper (8:33) work with growing the business in mind.And I'm so excited about so many of the ideas that I have (8:38) that are coming up, and I can't wait to introduce you to more of them, but we're starting with this (8:41) podcast first. But over this weekend, I thought this would be a really great idea if I just went (8:47) into a lot more of my money story, because there is a lot to it. When I was in corporate, there (8:52) were many years when I was making well over 200, $300,000, but I had no respect for money at all.(9:01) None. And in fact, I actually felt guilty that I was making as much money as I was. (9:08) And so I didn't handle it very well.I was very fiscally irresponsible. I was frivolous. (9:13) And I had a lot of enjoyment in those days.Don't get me wrong. There was a lot of fun that was had (9:20) in there, but it wasn't in my best interest. And now I make very, very different decisions with my (9:25) money.And I find myself sometimes still struggling. So I do the work that I want my (9:30) clients to do as well, that I invite you to do for yourselves. And so what I told myself I was (9:35) going to do, I was going to wake up on Saturday.I was going to do some journaling with her, (9:40) some really specific prompts from a book I'm listening to. I was going to take my dog for a (9:44) hike. I was going to come back, go to the grocery store, grab my food for the week to do meal prep, (9:50) do a cognitive movement session, and then relax for the rest of the day.(9:54) That is not what happened. I totally was not on the straight line, went around it. And Saturday (10:01) morning, I kind of turned into like a little girl of like, hey, this is what I want to do today.(10:06) I don't actually want to do the journaling. I want to sit here and just be with no expectations (10:12) for a while, which is okay. Sometimes we want to change what we're actually doing, (10:17) but I know myself and I know what I was avoiding.I did actually take my dog for the hike, (10:23) but I didn't set myself up for success. I didn't eat ahead of time. And so I exhausted myself.So (10:28) when the hike was done, I didn't have the energy to be able to do the cognitive movement session. (10:35) So I'm like, okay, I got the walk done. I got the grocery shopping done.I got half of the stuff (10:41) done that I wanted to do. Let's do the journaling and let's do the cognitive movement session (10:45) tomorrow when we have more energy. And it really had a lovely, peaceful, relaxing, quiet Saturday (10:51) afternoon.Probably could have made it even more relaxing had I stuck to my initial plan, (10:56) but that's not what happened. I'm human. You're human.Things are going to happen. (11:00) We want to give ourselves grace when it does. No judgment.So Sunday morning, I did actually start (11:06) the journaling, but I dicked around before I did. And so that meant I didn't have time to do the (11:11) cognitive movement session before I was going with my dog to do some group training to keep her (11:16) brain sharp and excited and give her nervous system the input that it wants and said, okay, (11:24) I'm going to come back and I'm going to do the session later that afternoon. And I did, (11:28) but I had so much avoidance that I really only did half of the session, but I got some really, (11:34) really good information out of that.Some reframes really saw where I was putting myself (11:41) in a catch 22 around money, how I'd handled it in the past, the respect that I have for it now, (11:48) the fiscal responsibility that I have now, like looking at all that, I gave myself a lot of (11:54) relief and I actually felt a lot better doing that. So maybe this is me being harder on myself now (12:00) and not giving myself the grace of like, you know what I did, what I needed to do. (12:04) And I've been doing those journaling prompts.And instead of rushing through it, (12:08) I thought about you and I thought, okay, if I was the person who is creating this journaling prompts, (12:14) what I want them to rush through it, what I want them to take the time and the space that they need (12:19) to get the information that's under that surface of the water that's beneath (12:23) the surface of awareness. And so that is how I'm approaching the journaling. I don't want you to (12:28) rush through this.I want you to take the time and find the answers because that is going to be (12:33) so empowering for yourself. And I also want to say all the things that you're looking at, (12:40) all the questions you're trying to answer for yourself, you already have the answers inside (12:44) of you. You may need other people to help support you, to help reflect back, to help you find those (12:50) answers, but you already have everything you need within you.And the more that you can empower (12:55) yourself and rely on yourself, the faster you're going to be able to get out of your way. (13:00) But the fact that you're in your way in any way, shape or form that you are, (13:04) it just makes you human. That's it.That's all. And so I would like you inviting you again (13:14) to just take a moment and just journal. Just notice what came up for you in this episode.(13:21) You can go ahead and pause it and then come back when you're ready. I'll wait. Okay.I'm trusting (13:28) that you found some really good information that was hanging out beneath the surface. Maybe some (13:33) stuff you weren't aware of. And so here's what I want you to do when you're noticing yourself (13:40) getting in the way.And thank you for doing those journal prompts. You're going to write on a piece (13:46) of paper what your top three priorities are for the day and the number one priority. And when (13:52) you've taken care of that number one priority, it's already a win.Celebrate it. Take a moment. (13:57) Yes, I did it.I focused on the thing that I needed to do the most. (14:03) And then make yourself sit down and do that thing. And now if fear is at a really high level, (14:11) it may feel impossible to sit down.And so what you're going to do is you're going to notice (14:17) that fear in the body. And I want you to go in to the session that we have around fear. It's (14:22) another episode in here.Go grab that work through it. And then when you are at a place (14:28) where you can be encouraged, not in fear, and just a reminder, courage is not an absence of fear. (14:35) It's feeling the fear and doing it anyway.I can't remember who said that quote. It wasn't me, (14:40) but courage still has some fear in it, but we step forward and we do it despite the fear. (14:47) So I want to invite you to do the thing when you're encouraged and take those actions and (14:52) dive into those priorities.And as you knock them off your list, give yourself a moment to (14:57) celebrate it. You can do a happy dance in your kitchen, somewhere in your house. It doesn't (15:03) have to be anything you're spending money on.Just do something so the brain records that as a win. (15:08) There's a lot of science around building up these wins and celebrating it and the positive things (15:14) that it does for the nervous system that it does for creating that margin in there. So you have (15:20) more space to be able to do the things you need to do.And there is space for life to happen (15:25) as you're doing them. And then last, before you wrap, I want to bring you back to the six keys (15:31) of freedom. Again, if you haven't grabbed that yet, I invite you to consider it.Now, (15:37) check out the landing page that I have for it. It's going to walk you through what exactly can (15:41) you can expect. You have access to it for a full year, and it's going to take what you're (15:45) learning in this podcast to the next level and giving you more tips and tricks to give input (15:51) into your nervous system to help it get more regulated, more resourceful, more flexible.(15:57) And another way to think about the nervous system as we wrap, think about it like a trampoline, (16:03) right? When we are super, super stressed out, we lose that flex. And so it's really hard to get a (16:11) bounce. It's really hard to be able to hit those high levels when you don't have much (16:15) bounce beneath you.It's like trying to just stand outside on your sidewalk and jump up really high. (16:22) You're not going to get that high, right? Whereas when you build flex into the nervous system, (16:27) which is what we're doing in this podcast here, now you've got the ability to spring up much (16:34) higher. And you can probably do it much faster too.And it's going to be easier on the body (16:42) to spring up higher when you have that flex in there. Like think about the tolls it takes on (16:48) your knees to be jumping up and down on the ground and how much easier it is if you're (16:52) on a rebounder or a big old trampoline in your yard. Much easier with the trampoline, right? (16:58) Nervous system works the same way.So we want to work to get that flex, that spring in the nervous (17:05) system. That is what's going to give you that margin. That's what's going to give you that (17:09) clarity.That's what's going to help you move towards your goals and be on that straight line, (17:13) the fastest path between where you are now and where you want to be. (17:17) Thank you again for joining me. I will see you in the next episode.