Dual Fears: Failure & Success

summary

In this episode, Katie Wrigley explores the dual concepts of fear of failure and fear of success, discussing their origins, impacts, and how they can coexist within individuals. She delves into the psychological drivers behind these fears, such as perfectionism, childhood conditioning, and the fear of being seen. 

Katie Wrigley offers insights on overcoming these fears through self-awareness, reframing failure, and understanding the benefits of success. The conversation emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation and the need to confront and dismantle limiting beliefs to achieve personal growth and success.

takeaways

• Fear of failure and fear of success can coexist.
• Perfectionism often drives the fear of failure.
• Failure is a learning opportunity, not a dead end.
• Visibility can be terrifying for high achievers.
• Emotional regulation is key to overcoming fear.
• Courage involves feeling fear and acting anyway.

Resources

• Website
• Learn more about Cognomovement
• Try Cognomovement for yourself!
• Book a call with Katie
• Free Webinar: The Pattern Behind the Panic

Credit: Tom Giovingo, Intro & Outro, Random Voice Guy, Professional ‘Cat‘ Herder

Mixed & Managed: JohnRavenscraft.com

Disclaimer: Katie is not a medical professional and she is not qualified to diagnose any conditions. The advice and information she gives is based on her own experience and research. It does not take the place of medical advice. Always consult a medical professional first before you try anything new.

Transcript

Katie Wrigley (00:09.326)
Welcome back to another episode of the Catapult Effect. I am your host, Katie Wrigley. So this week, I want to talk about something a little bit different. So you may have heard of fear of failure. You may have felt it yourself. But did you know that you can also have a fear of success? And did you know that you can have a fear of success and a fear of failure running in your nervous system at the same time? It is absolutely true. And that is what we're going to talk about today.

what some of the drivers are that causes fear of failure, some that cause fears of success, and how you can overcome it. So stay tuned, that's coming right up. Thank you as always for joining me today. I am so happy to have you here with me. So I wanna talk first about fear of failure. This one is probably a little bit more familiar. It definitely was to me before I started to understand that you can actually have a fear of success too.

So what are some of these things that cause a fear of failure? What is making us so afraid to fail? When really failure is a way that we learn and we're gonna get into the mind shifts later. But let's focus on some of these things that can create a fear of failure. A lot of times high performers like you, we can be perfectionists. Raise your hand if that resonates. I am a recovering perfectionist. That's why I'm wearing my sweatshirt today if you're watching this, perfectly imperfect.

It reminds me that perfection is not the goal. That... not performance. That any kind of forward momentum, that's the goal. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's just movement in the right directions. All we need. So there are some things that are going on in the nervous system that can start to lock you in. But the first one is perfectionism. If you are struggling with perfectionism...

Failure is the most terrifying thing you can go through because you've assigned all these things that failure means if you fail. And if you can't do it perfectly, you're not even going to try. And so we wind up being stuck in this fear of failure so big that we literally can't do it because we can't take the criticism of others. We can't take the criticism of ourselves. We can also learn some of this fear failure from early childhood.

Katie Wrigley (02:35.518)
where maybe we had really high performing parents that wanted us to go bigger and bigger and bigger. Or maybe we never got attention unless we were actually achieving something. The kind of attention we wanted. Now we may have gotten attention when we failed. It was probably something pretty negative that put a lot of fear into us that may be still running in that nervous system. If I fail, something bad's gonna happen.

Now, and sometimes that can be true. Like if your business fails, it can mean a big financial downfall for you. There can be some truth to this. That's not what we want to focus on. We want to look at what are the things that creating this fear of failure. We want to be aware of them. We want to be able to let them go. But early childhood conditioning, that's definitely one. Perfectionism is another. A lot of times, trauma, what a shock.

like we already touched on, that can lead to it too. If you got a bad report card and you got grounded or you may have been physically hurt as a result because you had abusive parents, God forbid, and I know that unfortunately many of you listening that's happened and I'm so sorry, but that can lead to a panic that, no, I'm gonna be in so much trouble. My parents are gonna yell at me. Shit. So even though you're an adult,

and you know that your parents aren't going to logically yell at you, your nervous system is still remembering that. You're thinking, if I fail, then something horrible is going to happen to me. I may get yelled at. I may get hurt. There may be something else very, very, very undesirable that happens if I fail here. We can also have a fear of looking stupid. If we've been bullied, if we've had any shame, and if you're a human, you've probably dealt with shame.

You may have been embarrassed at some point, but if you're afraid to look stupid, failure can make you feel stupid. I'll be honest, some of my failures, I'm like, wow, wow, it doesn't work to be able to talk about them, but it can make you feel lesser than. And if you already have that as a pattern running in your nervous system that you're not good enough, then failure is not an option.

Katie Wrigley (05:00.122)
And one of the other pieces there that I want to make sure that we touch on is that when your nervous system is in a state of fight or flight, like we talked about a lot on this show, there's 70 % of Americans according to one of the Mel Robbins experts. I can never remember, pronounce her last name, Dr. Aditi something, but 70 % of us are in this chronic stress pattern. And so what that means is...

your nervous system is saying if you try something, you're putting yourself at risk. And if you're at risk, you're a threat. You could be up for a threat. And if you're threatened, you may not be safe, so the nervous system shuts you down. So those are some of the fears, or some of the drivers around fear of failure. Now what causes a fear of success? One of the biggest ones that I see over and over again, and I saw it in myself as well, is a fear of being seen and heard.

Now we may consciously be so desperate to be seen and heard, but on a subconscious level, and I've talked about this in other episodes as well, that may be the most terrifying thing in the world. It's like, my God, people see me, I'm visible, and I mean really see you. One of the things that I see in high performers, and I definitely saw this in my corporate career, is we very carefully construct the facade.

of we want the world to see. And when that facade isn't backed by regulated nervous system that's full of confidence, full of rest, full of the ability to laugh at ourselves, to not take failure personally, to be able to reach these higher levels of success.

Katie Wrigley (06:46.754)
When we feel seen or someone sees something past that facade, it can feel really scary. It can make you feel like you're naked even when you're fully dressed. We can feel criticized or hurt or like we're being judged and that visibility can feel dangerous. A lot of times we think if I have this much success, what does it mean for me? What am I going to have to give up?

to have this kind of success. What am I going to need to do once I hit this level of success? How am going to maintain it? It's going to be so much work. It's going to be so much more responsibility. And we think that there's going to be so much more on our plates. But actually, a lot of times it means that we've made our life easier if we go about it with thought and we have the plan and we know how to be that person in that higher level of success. We can also have some fear that

people aren't gonna like us. And we talked about this again in another episode where people could be jealous. People can be mean about your success or even try to sabotage you. And if we're losing people out of our lives, we're all hardwired for connection. It could mean that you're getting cast out of the herd, which means that now you're endangered. Now your life could be threatened because you no longer belong.

Another little sneaky bitch that comes up a lot is imposter syndrome. And that's the thought of who am I to be doing this? And a lot of that comes from feeling like we're not good enough. That someone else has some other trick out there that they know things better and we push down our own expertise. And that keeps us small and it keeps us from moving.

out of that pattern of I'm not good enough and who am I to be doing this to stand up and say hey I know what I know maybe someone else knows more you know but the worst thing that any of us especially the heart-led business one of the worst things we can hear is you're fraud and I know if anybody ever called me a fraud it would take me a minute I'll be honest I know I'm not a fraud and I have so much evidence to prove that

Katie Wrigley (09:11.266)
But it would still take a moment if someone called me on that. And what does that do? Tells me I a little bit more work to do in my nervous system to get over a little bit of fear of success, just being honest. We can also start to feel guilty or even be ashamed if we have more than other people. And I felt this directly when I was in my corporate career. I felt guilty.

about the amount of money I was making in comparison to some of my friends. Now, we had all been on different life journeys and we had all made very different decisions. And I made ones that wound up leading me into a very lucrative six-figure career that I had for a really long time. I got to enjoy a lot of perks in that career. And I blew all of them. All the extra money that I made because I was ashamed. I felt guilty.

Now, I wasn't even looking at everything that I was doing and everything I had sacrificed to have the level of success that I had in my corporate career. I just felt bad that I had it. And now when I hit those levels of success doing what I'm doing now, there isn't going to be any guilt or shame. One, because I'm constantly giving back in any way that I can. And two,

I know how hard I worked to get there and I know that every bit of success that I have, even if there's still a little bit of fear, I know that I've earned it. And I earned what I had in corporate too, but I had so much guilt or shame around there. And then the other piece is like, we hear so many times about people suddenly being the public eye and what does it mean? It means that we may have more people coming at us, that we don't get our loan time, that we don't get our privacy, that we're going to have to give up.

All of these things that were too seen, were too heard, we've got too many haters out there. All of these things can make us want to go smaller and stay inside of ourselves. And so what can we do to start to dismantle these? This fear of failure and this fear of success. So with fear of failure, I want you to go back and look at some of the failures that you've had.

Katie Wrigley (11:24.652)
What did they teach you? Are you doing things differently because of those failures? And what does failure mean to you? You know, this is something I've looked at a lot. So as I've grown this business, I've failed a lot. I'm in my fifth year, fourth year. I've been doing this more than four years. So yes, I'm in my fifth year now. I'm in my fifth year of doing this. Next May, it'll be five years since I left corporate.

And I have had more failures in those four plus years than I had probably in the 10 previous. It's because I'm taking more risks and I'm being more authentically me, but I have not failed. The business is still going. It is sustainable. It is going to continue to grow and it's going to get profitable in 2026. I know that this is happening and I'm ready for that level of success.

But I could look at all the failures and I admit some of them, some of them were pretty big and they've definitely left a mark and I've done things very differently, but I learned from every single failure so that I could do it differently and better and get to where I needed to be. So being able to see what have your failures given you. Because if you're learning from them, I don't know that we can actually call those failures.

Because we're still going for that thing. We're still going for that pie in the sky. So did we actually fail? Or was that just an option that didn't work, and now we're going to find one that does until we get there? So some of it can also be how you define failure. And one of the big things that I look at is, what is the success rate that I'm having with clients? Even if I

haven't worked with as many people as I wanted to work yet with yet. Am I getting success? And that is a resounding yes. I have way into the 90th percentile of success. There's only a handful of clients, not even, that haven't gotten the results that I thought that they could get.

Katie Wrigley (13:34.088)
and I understand a lot of why behind it. I'm not going to go into that in this episode. And there's things that I want to do differently so that I have fewer of those so that I keep my success into the high 90th percentile, which is pretty phenomenal actually. And there's a huge success story that I can't talk about yet because it's very, very private and there's no way for me to talk about it without revealing that person's identity.

But I had a conversation with someone yesterday about just how successful I've been with this person. A lot of it is because of who they are and their ability to do this work.

But the other piece is me being able to hold that space and walk through them on this journey. And now when I can talk about it, believe me, I'm going to share this success because it's, and it's not to brag, it's because it deals with something that a lot of people have had to deal with. And there tends to be a situation that doesn't have a lot of hope. And we have created miracles in this person's life. And every other client.

who has shared their life-changing stories with me, all the testimonials that people have given me. Someone told me that a program that I had created that I had out for a very short period of time that I'm probably going to be releasing again, that kept them company on a cancer journey and that they relied on that program and their cancer journey and they are, by the way, thriving less than a year after their cancer diagnosis. And again, a lot of that is the person, but some of it was me too.

So being able to frame what does failure look like to you and look and see what did that failure bring you to. And at the same time, what successes have you had that you can pay attention to and allow your nervous system and your brain to start looking at the successes that you've had instead of the failures. That is how you can continue to move into that success. And now when we're talking about the fear of success,

Katie Wrigley (15:33.346)
We want to mitigate those patterns that are running. The imposter syndrome or the I'm not good enough. That's as easy as a cognosession or two to help delete those patterns. We can also help the mind see that when you hit these levels of success, it's not that you're going to be busier than you already are. It's that you're actually probably going to have more resources to help you so your workload can stay the same.

And with more success, means that you get to focus on the things that you want and you get to delegate the stuff that is not in your zone of genius. That's pretty awesome. That's one of the things I'm clinging to with the success there. But really helping the nervous system see you're not going to have more responsibility. And yes, you may have more attention. More people may know who you are. You may have more people interfering with your privacy. And let yourself think.

What are some ways that you can change that now? Like I know that I want to do big things because the more people that hear me, the more people know that there's hope, the more people are going to try to do this work for themselves, they're going to feel the same relief that I have had the very awesome privilege of feeling myself and witnessing in other people over and over and over again. And being able to draw into that is just,

Yes, but there's things that I've thought about as I'm striving to get to these big levels. Like I am an introvert. I know I'm a very chatty introvert, but I'm an introvert. I need to charge my batteries with alone time. That is how I have enough energy to do all the things that I do in a day, to have all the space for my clients that they need, to have all the space for my loved ones, for my pets, for all the things including me. Because I need to make sure I'm taking care of me and all this.

I already have some steps that I want to take before I hit that level of recognition so that I can stay anonymous, so that people don't know where to find me, so that I can keep up that level of privacy and this isn't going to be a scary thing for me anymore. So we have that time before we are that person where we can take steps now and think, okay, what do need to do to maintain this level of lifestyle that I like so much? And you have other people to help you.

Katie Wrigley (18:00.248)
to be able to figure out who else do I need involved, to be able to help me have this level of success. What do I need to rely on from my partner, from my kids, from my family to help protect me, to help me still be the best person I am, the best mother, the best father, the best sister, the best brother, the best parent, the best kid, the best friend, the best version of you, whoever that may be for you.

You have a bunch of people to help you already. Let them know where you're trying to go and what you may need from them to be able to help you work over that fear of success. And really be honest with yourself. If it's that fear being seen or heard or that not good enough gremlin inside, ask yourself, what's driving this? Where did that come from? And it may take some subconscious works. A lot of times that I'm not good enough pattern.

is definitely running on the subconscious level. So, Cognitive Movement, Hypnosis, something along that line. I would love to personally help you with your fear of success. It's one of my favorite things to work on. And help yourself alleviate those things that are keeping you small. If you have any guilt or shame about having more than other people,

What is a cause that you want to give to? Where can you put more of these resources when you have them so that you feel like you're giving back when you do have more? Because that is one of the beautiful things we get with success is we have more to give everybody. If we're at a certain level of income, a certain level of energy, we have so much more that we can give to everybody, especially people who haven't figured that out for themselves yet.

And also start to see like, what are the things that being seen and heard are going to do in a positive direction? Like I remember back in my Boston days, so it would have been mid to late 90s, early 2000s, where I was in Boston. And I remember, I think I was listening to Howard Stern or something, but I was on some form of public transportation. I remember thinking, I never want to be famous.

Katie Wrigley (20:13.674)
That is a whole pile of shit that I do not want to deal with. And then as I started to get into this work, I've been told by people that I can hit a high level of success and I get a lot of really positive feedback on my content, which thank you so much if you've given me that feedback. And I'm constantly trying to improve. One of the big things that helped me and I want to share it with you so that I can help you too is realizing that

your success it may have a lot to do with you but you allowing yourself to be seen and heard it actually has nothing to do with you it has to do with the people that you are serving that is who you're doing it for like i would like to really like in an ideal world as an introvert

stay in my home a lot, hang out with my friends, hang out with my family, and just stay in my own little bubble. But I can't impact the world in the level that I want to impact the world if I stay in that little bubble. I need to be on stages. I need to be out there letting people know what is possible.

And that is why I am here and I'm so deeply connected to that purpose. And I understand that any of my success, like yes, I may get to enjoy it, but it is for the people that I am of service to. It is for the people who want to have all of the things that a regulated nervous system gives them. Freedom, better health, better energy, better relationships, more peaceful sleep, abundance in every area, financial freedom, all of these things come.

with a regulated nervous system. I get to help people have a higher quality of life and I get to help them in real ways. Like people say things to me that they have never said out loud to another human being and I can't tell you what an honor it is to be on the receiving end of that and how very carefully I guard that information. Like the client stories you hear that I do share, they're anonymous unless I've shared them with permission.

Katie Wrigley (22:19.818)
And the stuff that I tell clients stays in the vault, I have never once repeated to anybody and I never will. Someone else may have said something similar that wasn't in a vault, but if I say the word vault, my clients know that that isn't going anywhere. And that is sacred to me. And knowing that I can help people at the level that I do, that is my driver. And continuing to do my Cognitive Movement so that that fear of success is out of my system, that's the other thing I do.

So being able to be honest with yourself, identify what those patterns are, and then take steps to neutralize those things that are keeping you stuck with either fear failure or fear of success. Do that work to get it neutral in your nervous system, whatever your favorite modality is. I want to encourage you to do that because the world...

need you to be your best you to have the highest levels of success that you are capable of doing in whatever unique way you are here to serve. So please as a favor to humanity do whatever you need to do to break through those walls and sometimes with fear like we've heard courage is not the absence of fear.

It's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. And sometimes it can be muscling through. But that muscling through can be much easier when you have a regulated nervous system and you have neutralized a lot of the other things in your nervous system telling you that it's not safe to either fail or succeed. All right. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm going to be back again next week with another episode. And until then, please be well.

And don't forget, I have an upcoming webinar on November 4th. It's going to be at 4 p.m. Eastern. I will put the link in the show notes. I hope you'll come join me. It is totally free. It will be recorded. All you need to do is go to katyriggly.com slash webinar, grab your free seat, and I'll see you on November 4th. Take care.